Control

CON·TROL noun /kənˈtrōl/ 
controls, plural

1.The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events
- the whole operation is under the control of a production manager
- the situation was slipping out of her control
                                                                                             www.dictionary.com

I need to be in control of certain things.. I can let lots go.. but when it directly involves me, I must control how the outcome will/should/could be. Does it work ALL the time? NO! And I always end up feeling disappointed and beating myself up afterwards.

I tried to make a list of things I can just let go of.. and I could only come up with one thing.. not a good sign for me!! I did come up with a list of things I tend to... well... control..

• I need to be the person driving
• It's hard for me to trust people
• I make lists for lots of things
• I prefer to do everything myself (or don't know how to ask for help.. not sure which is stronger)
• When on vacation I tend to make a list of things to do rather than just "winging" it..
• I plan.. I plan.. I plan.. I plan...
• I go over conversations in my head of how people will react and then replay those with different possible responses.
• I always organize my clothes the night before I'm going to wear them..
• I'm stubborn. It's not that I can't be flexible for other people but when I get an idea in my head I can't stop and I keep trying to pursue it... and if I'm really passionate about something.. I will try to get people to see my point of view or else they need to give me a real good twist in order for me to alter my idea.

The most disappointing thing about needing control.. is losing it.. which happened to me recently. I have known for a while that I would need another surgery and I was told I would only be in the hospital for a week and then I could go home to recover. I had made plans of how I could get my groceries, do my housework, walk the dog and see people. I planned how long I would be off work for, when I would go back to work and how I would make it to my sisters for Christmas.

Everything changed when the doctor told me that I couldn't go home to recover and would need to "go somewhere".. possibly somewhere I am not familiar with. I don't want to be anywhere other than my own home.. in my own bed.. with my own pillow and my dog helping me to recover. I won't be back to work when I had planned and chances are... I'll be missing yet another Christmas.

Since my mom passed away 4 years ago.. I've had 1 Christmas out of the hospital.. it SUCKS!! I'm not taking it well and I don't know what to do about it. I guess most would say "let it go" and although I'm not talking about it a lot.. I think about it constantly!

Never mind the surgery being complicated enough.. now I have to put up with crappy food, nurses, more doctors, needles and other patients and depending where they stick me.. little or no visitors... AGAIN!!

What I do know for sure is I am planning on this being my LAST surgery!

"People who have a higher sense of control tend to feel pain less intensely. This is probably because a person who feels they are not in control also feels vulnerable to attack and starts to imagine being hurt and so feels some psychologically created pain. When real pain appears they simply feel worse."

This statement I find very true.. the more I feel in control of a situation.. the safer I feel and the less vulnerable I feel.. lets face it.. most of want some kind of control in our lives.. without it we'll surely have chaos to some level!