Imagine

I've known her for eleven years. She's the first and last kid I truly loved and would have adopted. Her behaviors have frustrated me, worried me and at times made me question "what the hell was I doing?" She has amazed me and awed me with her strength and determination. I try not to, but I tend to hold every other kid in comparison to her.

She was only fifteen years old when she gave birth to her first child. And at fifteen years old she wanted to move out of her foster home and do it all herself. Of course I wouldn't let her but just one year later, she wore me down. Was it the right thing to? Was I setting her up for failure? How was she to cope being a single parent with no adult role model living with her? God knows she had no example of what a loving, nurturing, responsible parent was like.

But there was something about her.

I saw a bit of me in her.

She graduated from high school a year early. She went on to have three more births. Sadly her first daughter was taken too early. We mourned together.

That's when things changed for me.

It was too hard. Loving a child who wasn't mine. To see her heartache and knowing there was nothing I could do to change it.

But she survived.

She has grown into the most beautiful woman. The most amazing mother. Still.. She faces more heartache. It is not the life of her child but her own that she must fight for. The survival rate is high with modern medicine.

But it's the fear of the unknown.

How much more does she have to go thru? Why can't she be given the break she is so deserving of? Her life hasn't been easy. And now there is another mountain she must climb.

It makes me so angry.

As I write this and try to make sense of something that makes no sense at all I'm listening to a song called "I can only Imagine"... That's all any of us can do. Is imagine what the future holds. Speculate. Hope. But not one of us can control tomorrow. We can plan and then in a flash everything can change.

One day at a time. When that's too much, one hour at a time. And when that's too much... One minute at a time. And if that doesn't work, imagine the good. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine a life with no loss, no pain, no heartache.. One day, we will all have that.

Like hot chocolate on a cold day..

My first introduction to God was when my sister started taking me to Sunday school. I'm not even sure how old I was but I was young. My mother had nothing to do with structured religion but thankfully she didn't begrudge me the opportunity to explore it for myself.

Now.. to be honest, I don't remember a lot from Sunday school. Perhaps the odd bible story, but I remember the building and some of the people. Everyone was so nice to me. Unfortunately Sunday school was short lived.. but as they say.. a seed was planted. Over the years I would attend the rare church service. I found most of them to be boring and the people to be phony but for some reason, something still drew me to it. To this day I still can't pinpoint it but my interest was peaked.

I don't remember going to church in junior high but when I was 16 years old I volunteered at Camp Shawnigan and met a girl named Sherri. She was one of the camp counsellors. She was nice enough but a little hyper for my taste. I ended up connecting with her roommate, J. J and Sherri rented a place together in Victoria and since they were roommates I had no choice but get to know Sherri. Well, it's funny how things work out...

Sherri-Ann, as she later was called, wasn't just the party girl I had met at camp. She was a Christian. I should have known, so hyper! Sherri-Ann and I became fast friends (once I let my guard down) and started attending church together.. And bible class... And retreats... and choir. You could say I jumped head first into this Christianity thing.

A couple years later Sherri-Ann decided she needed to leave Victoria and leave for Briarcrest Bible College. I was heart broken but people leaving me wasn't anything new. I started teaching Sunday school and became a camp leader at Vacation Bible school (did I mention I jumped head first). While singing in the church choir I branched out and did a few solos (and before you wonder, I wasn't that good but what are a bunch of Christians going to say to a young girl in a wheelchair? Lol). To say I loved church would be an understatement. Then I met my first Christian boyfriend. We dated for 8 months. I didn't think life could get any better. Then he dumped me like a hot potato. And it burned! And I was mad.. at him.. at me and at God.

I continued going to church but cut back on some of the activities. Then I just stopped going all together. It was too hard to see him all the time and I wasn't focused on God. So, Sherry-Ann was gone and now the boyfriend. I focused on more secular activities like getting drunk, doing drugs and meeting guys...

That season lasted for about 10 years. I had moved to Vancouver, with my non-Christian fiance, for school, partied a lot more and had a lot of fun. Sherri-Ann and I stayed in touch for part of the time.. until my partying became too strong. I became involved in some pretty unGodly things. Things I don't even want to blog about. I finally decided I had to grow up so, after ruining yet another relationship, I finished my degree at UVic and moved back to the mainland for work, but something was missing...

Sherri-Ann and I really started to reconnect. She was living in Kelowna with her family and since I was in Vancouver it was only a 4 hour drive... 3 if I really pushed it. That was the start of a new season for me. The start of my relationship with God.

One summer I drove to Kelowna every weekend and then some weekends, I would drive up early Sunday morning.. in time for church.. stay until after evening church.. and drive home.. then go to work the next day. I've never experienced such amazing churches as they have in Kelowna.. the worship was phenomenal!

Now.. I'm not one to learn when someone tells me I must believe something they are telling me.. I really need to figure things out on my own. My trust isn't exactly forthcoming with most people. There were a couple of people who felt that they should "teach" me how to have faith and what to believe and couldn't understand when I questioned their "teachings".. they all dumped me as their student.. oh darn! I was so disappointed... NOT!

So.. I had no other choice but to rely on my own mustard seed of faith.. something I was not familiar with.. something really scary! I felt like if I interpreted things wrong then somehow I would be punished or God would be mad at me... but in fact, what I have learned.. and continue to learn.. is faith is ever growing.. as is learning.. as is my walk with Christ.

I don't go to church often, although I'd like to go more than I do. I don't read the bible every day and I don't go around preaching what others should or should not believe. I'm not perfect and some people would never believe that I believe in anything. As I've said in previous posts.. I'm normally very private with my faith.. mostly because once someone knows or thinks you "have religion" they start judging your every action. But sometimes you just need to say screw it.. and risk the judgement.

I would love to tell you that I can easily hear God speaking to me and know exactly what He wants me to do with my life. I wish I could tell you that I look to God whenever I am struggling with something.. I wish I could tell you that when I pray.. I get what I prayed for.. truth is.. I don't always hear God.. I don't always know what He wants from me and I don't always get the answer I want when I pray. But I do know something..

He loves me.. He loves you too and we don't have to do a single thing to earn His love!! Isn't that kinda cool? We don't have to do a thing! We don't have to clean our room or get straight A's.. we don't have to get a degree or win a Pulitzer prize.. we don't have to be famous or rich.. His love isn't conditional.. it's there whether we ask for it or not.. it's even there if we want it or not! Do you know anyone else who has EVER loved you like that?? I know I don't!

God's love gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.. yup.. to me, God is like hot chocolate on a cold day!

Betcha didn't know....

When I was a little girl I use to line up all my stuffies and play teacher. Any of my picture books would turn into lesson plans and I had a chalk board I could draw diagrams on or "teach" the alphabet on. If any of the stuffies were naughty, they would have to sit in the corner and no one could talk to them until they rejoined the group. I had one friend when I was around 9 years old and we would play superstar in our apartments rec room. We would climb up on the pool table and dance around and sing as loud as we could. Then we would make "rock people" and sell them to people in the building saying we were raising money for Easter Seals. Yes, I know, I was horrible.. But at least I was earning the money!

My family is huge on make believe and fantasy. I think it stems from my bio dad and his love of play. He use to tell my sisters that if they saw something move out of the corner of their eye, but then when they turned their head, they didn't see anything, it was one of Santa's elves. Santa was busy all year so would send his elves to make sure every little kid was behaving themselves. When I was 8 years old I started to question Santa's existence.... big mistake in my family.. My sisters went to great lengths to "prove" he was real. They knew a guy who had a pilots license and so off Carollyn and I went in a 4 passenger plane to visit Santa's house.... and ya know what? We saw it!! There were two homes, one was Santa's and one was for the elves. It was amazing and I never questioned Jolly Ol' St. Nick again! Seriously, to this day I KNOW he's real!

Spiders freak me out.. Doesn't matter the size.. I do NOT like them. They are one of Gods freaky creations.

I love old movies and musicals. Not the cheesy musicals they make today.. Like High School musical (sorry if you're a fan, i forgive you). Breakfast at Tiffany's, Gentlemen Prefer Blonde's, The Sound of Music, My Fair Lady.... I love Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. Gene Kelly and James Stewart. Katherine Hepburn and Rosemary Clooney. I would dream of Jane Russell being my mom and brushing my hair 100 times. I love all the old Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney movies.. So innocent and entertaining. and who doesn't love any James Stewart movie? Okay, so maybe anyone under 50.. But I grew up with adults.. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!

Most embarrassing thing would have to be that I loved Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. Don't judge, I'm sure there's someone equally bad that you loved.

My neck is the the most sensitive place on my body and I will squeal like a hyena if you tickle me there.. Seriously ear popping squeal... Ask anyone.

I hate broccoli.

I love to sing. When I was little I would make up songs when I was in the tub and belt them out as loud as I could.. ironically they were usually about God. I sang with the Victoria Orchestra with my elementary school choir.. we sang the songs from The Sound of Music. Then when I started going to church, I sang solo's... now I sing solo alright.. I make sure no one is around either!!

My favorite peaceful place to be is near the water... Cowichan Lake, Goldstream Park or the Ocean.

I became a Christian when I was 18 years old and I have struggled with my faith ever since. I don't have blind faith in most things.. I wish I did. I need to research things until I find the answer that fits best for me.. It probably took me 10 years to fully understand how the Trinity worked. I pray. I pray really hard and I talk to Jesus a lot.. Sometimes out loud and other times in my heart. My relationship with Him is private and I will only openly share with people I feel secure with.

I swear.. Yup.. I'm a Christian and I swear.. I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be.. Ever! I am flawed all over the place and if you don't like it, that's your issue, I won't try to change your mind.

I try not to hold grudges and stay mad for long. Takes up too much energy and that energy doesn't burn calories! So really, what's the point?

I love playing pranks on people. I also laugh twice as hard if someone can manage to prank me. I'm not easily pranked.. Only one has managed to plan and execute a prank that I had no idea about, but that's another blog entry... Along with the revenge I am planning....

So there ya have it.. A little more insight into me that I betcha didn't know...

Just livin'

Do you know what really bugs me? What bugs me, sometimes more than almost anything else? Well let me tell you. But before I do I have go back.. back 34 years to January 15, 1977. That's the day I was shot.. and to answer your next question.. yes with a gun! DO NOT feel sorry or bad for me.. I don't. That's just how God intended my life to turn. I won't pretend that I'm okay with it.. I'm not. I'd rather be walking but that wasn't in the cards for me. Which brings me to what really bugs me. I hate it when people turn around and commend me for doing so well, considering....

People go thru crappy things all the time.. some much worse than me. We all have a choice when crappy things happen. We can cry about it or pull up our panties and carry on. Those who know me well.. I mean really well.. know that I've had my moments.. my days, weeks or months that I have been down and had my share of pity parties but in the end, I wipe myself off, suck it up and carry on. I guess I could have turned to drugs or alcohol, gone on welfare and blamed everything that went wrong on someone else. But what would that have accomplished? Maybe it's because I can't understand why people blame their problems on other people. I know people who blame everyone for everything that has gone wrong in their life without ever looking in mirror and taking responsibility as an adult. Seriously people, there comes a time when you need to stop blaming your parents for how you turned out!

I've had so many people say that they admire me because I've done so well for myself. I can't wrap my head around that statement. What else was I supposed to do? I don't have a mental handicap that prevents me from working or contributing to society. Just as anyone else who had the desire to do something, I just did it.

I wasn't brought up to feel sorry for myself. I wasn't brought up believing there would be someone who would look after me when I was older. I was brought up learning how to be self reliant. To look after myself and to have belongings I was proud to have. I have been fortunate if anything. I was fortunate to go to university and get a degree I wanted. I was fortunate to find a good job with security. I was fortunate to buy my home when the real estate market was affordable. There are lots of things I wish were different and sometimes I focus on those things.. and get down. But honestly, when I really think about it, there is nothing in this world stopping me from doing what I want except me. So, the next time you want to blame your current behaviours on past experiences ask yourself "what is stopping me from changing my current situation?" Everyone has a choice.. make the choice to do something positive... start with your attitude.

Messages from God part 2..

It's funny how you can be looking for answers to things you have never voiced.. sometimes it's not even answers I'm looking for but instead, confirmation to what I'm thinking. Some of the daily "Messages from God" posts from Facebook have spoken to me or confirmed thoughts already floating around in my head. Here are just a few:

On this day, God wants you to know

... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls...

 

I've made plans with people lately who have bailed on me.. dissapointing doesn't begin to express how I feel. As a result I have given up on making plans.. what's the point? So I sit at home, basically hiding from life. Time to get out there again!

 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that you've been talking to God too much, and not listening enough. Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you...
 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that most of your words are unnecessary. All too often you speak simply to fill the space with sound, because you feel too uncomfortable with the silence. But this silence is golden. Only in silence you can hear God speak to you. Only in silence can a ...real prayer, a heart prayer be born. Next time you start chattering, stop and feel into the silence, feel its shape, its texture, and then slowly and silently say only what really has to be said.
 
Hmm.. is there a trend here? Shut up and listen.. pretty simple right? Wrong.. it's one of the hardest things to do. I don't mean just shutting my mouth but also shutting my mind.. stop talking in there as well and just be.. be present, be aware and be ready to listen.
 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that God is glad that you are You. Sure, we all have things we want to change, to improve about ourselves. But underneath the flesh and bone, you are an immortal and perfect soul. Always remember that...
 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes. There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are...
 
This one was probably the one that spoke the loudest to me. I am great at pointing out my faults.. first to admit when I'm wrong, first to take the brunt of any mishap. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be loved so trying to believe this statement is really hard to do. To believe that someone could look at me and not judge what I'm saying, doing, wearing, or how I'm acting is just something that is unimaginable.. but something I would love to believe!!
 
Last night I had one of my former clients call me. We discussed her current relationship with the father of her 3rd child. It's a very unhealthy relationship. One she doesn't deserve. One that she can't seem to get out of. We talked about how she needs to be happy in her life in order to project that happiness to her children. She needs to love herself in order to love others. She needs to accept her faults, forgive herself so that she can accept and forgive others. She needs to do these things in order to live a healthy life. What I was telling her, was what I need to be saying to myself. Funny how easy it is to give advice and not take it.

Message from God...

I've been trying to do a lot of soul searching.. trying to figure things out.. trying to understand why certain things happen and why other things don't happen. I've had no answers. I'm not some freaky Christian who goes around blessing people or telling people to look to God for answers or anything like that. I have my beliefs and I choose to keep most of them private.. partly because I'm embarrassed and partly because I don't want people to think I'm weird. I really only have one person I feel comfortable talking to about faith but I fear that sometimes I frustrate her because I have so many questions. I always have. I'm not someone who can just take one person's word as "the gospel". Everyone has a different interpretation of the bible. Everyone has a different interpretation of what a "Christian" is supposed to act like, talk like, think like.. and I don't fit into anyone's "ideal" of a Christian.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that there is no such thing as coincidence. I believe God steers our path, no matter if we like where we are headed or not.. that said, I don't believe God intends for people to do bad things to others or ourselves. He did give us free will after all.. something I struggle with everyday. I don't understand why He doesn't protect children from abuse or why natural disasters happen. I don't understand war, murder or why brussel sprouts were ever created.

I don't believe people should hide behind God, meaning that they shouldn't use Him as their rational for the situation they created for themselves. It was not God's intention for someone to use drugs or alcohol. I believe prayer can work but that you also have to rely on the talents of man to fix what is broken. If your child is dying because they need a blood transfusion.. God isn't going to go POOF, you are healed.. he gave doctors talents to help heal the sick. Use your brain people!!

I blame God for all sorts of things. I blame him for abuse I suffered as a child. I blame Him for taking my parents away before I was ready to lose them. I blame Him for me being in a wheelchair.. but what purpose is that serving other than making me feel miserable? Nothing, that's what. I'm only human.. and I need forgiveness as much as anyone else.

There's this app that seemed to appear on my Facebook page called "Message from God".. I've been reading them for three days now.. here are the messages I've had so far:

Day one - On this day, God wants you to know


... that you are perfect as you are. God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is...
 
Day two - On this day, God wants you to know


... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep. You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep...
 
and Day three - On this day, God wants you to know


... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest...
 
Now these won't mean anything to anyone but me.. but each message has come exactly at the time I needed to hear them. I'm perfect as I am (really hard to believe). Have faith in God (easier said than done). I control nothing.. ew.. that one stings!!

Trying Times

I'm sure everyone has experienced them.. those times in your life when everything feels stale. Where there doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to, when you wonder why you were put on this earth. I envy you if you haven't because I sure am experiencing those times. I know I don't have it as bad as some people do. Things can always be worse.

I'm trying to deal with past issues that are interfering in my present life. It's crazy though, how do you deal with something? Seriously.. I've always been someone that tries not to live in the past, hell, I can't change what's happened so why dwell on it. But how am I supposed to put it to rest? It's true, I am a Christian so why can't I just lay my issues at the feet of Jesus and let Him deal with it? Because it isn't that easy.

I am the first to admit when I've done something wrong. I'm the first to admit my faults. I am a control freak. What drives me nuts, is I can't control this. I think I should just be able to do what I want, accomplish my goals and just live my life with no obstacles. Unfortunately, that isn't how my life works. I come across obstacles everyday.. most of which I've put up myself. I'm great at building walls, I'm not so good at tearing them down. I guess I'm more analytical than feeling.. I always thought I was more feeling and maybe I was at some point but now I try to rationalize things instead of just feeling them. It's almost like I've forgotten how to truly feel. I hear horrible things in my job all the time and instead of feeling how terrible those things are, I put them in a safe place. That's good to a degree.. I couldn't do my job very well if I was emotional all the time. The problem is, when things happen in my life, I have a hard time feeling the feelings I should. Makes it pretty difficult to have relationships with any substance.

So yes, these are trying times. I just hope and pray, they get better.

Challenges

I, like many people, have gone thru my fair share of challenges. It feels like everyone's expectation is that I have to stay strong, never quiver, stay positive and by all means never ask "why me?" I've been told, God does not give us more than we can handle. But why? Why do we have to get pushed to our breaking point so often? Is it to teach us some lesson? To make us into stronger human beings? So others can learn thru our suffering?
Not only do I live with challenges but I see other people go thru them every day. I see a loving mother who's son has a diagnosis that falls under the autism spectrum. Or what about the family who loses a family member to murder, then loses both parents during the trial. Or the parents who have to stand by while their new born baby under goes surgery to save her life.

There must be other ways we can be challenged but not have to endure so much suffering and turmoil. My patience are getting thin. It feels like when something goes right, two things go wrong. How many more challenges will there be before I can rest? Before I can truly be happy? But I can't look at it like that. I have to be strong, happy-go-lucky and not let anyone know how bad things are. No sense in crying over spilt milk after all. This to shall pass... eventually.