Don't give up..

After my mom passed away I went to a really dark place. A place where no light could get in. A place that no matter how hard people tried to break in the windows, to bring in some light, to bring in some air... I would board the windows up tight. I didn't want to be happy.

I felt so alone.

It wasn't like I was the only one to lose a mother, my sisters had too.. but i convinced myself that because they all had families and I didn't, no one could understand how I felt. Obviously I was wrong but I couldn't see that at the time.

A friend gave me the Josh Groban CD and told me to listen to this song. It didn't change how I was feeling at the time but it gives me so much comfort now. I hate to admit it, but there are times when I go to that dark place, even today (yes, I still have my moments), but I can listen to this song and know I'm not alone.

Don't give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

You are loved

Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard

You are loved

When the Rain Comes

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace, to run and hide

Escape the pain..

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain but I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done

When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone

So Rest awhile, it'll be alright

No one loves you like I do!

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain but I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes...
I will hold you!

I really love that song..

Sometimes it feels like the rain never stops.

Sometimes it feels like no one really gives a damn.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

Today, I heard someone say that in order to feel someone cares you need to let go.. you need to trust and with that I would only guess, someone would need to take a leap.. a leap of faith. Fear can hold so many back from trying news things, going to new places and allowing others to love them.

So many can put on a tough act.. a mask if you will.. to hide what is really going on inside. So many feel they are screwed up.. beyond repair.. undeserving.. and fear that if they let their guard down they will be criticized or judged.. for just being themselves. The one who won't ever judge is God.. and that's great.. and no offence to Him or disrespect.. ya can't play cards with God.. you can't share a physical relationship with Him.. He isn't going to sit beside you on the couch and watch a movie with you.. and no matter how much faith one person has.. relationships with human beings are just as important.. but they won't happen..  not on a deeper level.. if you don't take the risk..

There is one person I desperately want to open up to.. I want to get rid of the negative thoughts swirling inside my head.. making me doubt that what I have to say is important.. making me feel like I'll get hurt if I say anything. I think we all make mountains out of mole hills and dammit.. I need an exterminator!!!

Control

CON·TROL noun /kənˈtrōl/ 
controls, plural

1.The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events
- the whole operation is under the control of a production manager
- the situation was slipping out of her control
                                                                                             www.dictionary.com

I need to be in control of certain things.. I can let lots go.. but when it directly involves me, I must control how the outcome will/should/could be. Does it work ALL the time? NO! And I always end up feeling disappointed and beating myself up afterwards.

I tried to make a list of things I can just let go of.. and I could only come up with one thing.. not a good sign for me!! I did come up with a list of things I tend to... well... control..

• I need to be the person driving
• It's hard for me to trust people
• I make lists for lots of things
• I prefer to do everything myself (or don't know how to ask for help.. not sure which is stronger)
• When on vacation I tend to make a list of things to do rather than just "winging" it..
• I plan.. I plan.. I plan.. I plan...
• I go over conversations in my head of how people will react and then replay those with different possible responses.
• I always organize my clothes the night before I'm going to wear them..
• I'm stubborn. It's not that I can't be flexible for other people but when I get an idea in my head I can't stop and I keep trying to pursue it... and if I'm really passionate about something.. I will try to get people to see my point of view or else they need to give me a real good twist in order for me to alter my idea.

The most disappointing thing about needing control.. is losing it.. which happened to me recently. I have known for a while that I would need another surgery and I was told I would only be in the hospital for a week and then I could go home to recover. I had made plans of how I could get my groceries, do my housework, walk the dog and see people. I planned how long I would be off work for, when I would go back to work and how I would make it to my sisters for Christmas.

Everything changed when the doctor told me that I couldn't go home to recover and would need to "go somewhere".. possibly somewhere I am not familiar with. I don't want to be anywhere other than my own home.. in my own bed.. with my own pillow and my dog helping me to recover. I won't be back to work when I had planned and chances are... I'll be missing yet another Christmas.

Since my mom passed away 4 years ago.. I've had 1 Christmas out of the hospital.. it SUCKS!! I'm not taking it well and I don't know what to do about it. I guess most would say "let it go" and although I'm not talking about it a lot.. I think about it constantly!

Never mind the surgery being complicated enough.. now I have to put up with crappy food, nurses, more doctors, needles and other patients and depending where they stick me.. little or no visitors... AGAIN!!

What I do know for sure is I am planning on this being my LAST surgery!

"People who have a higher sense of control tend to feel pain less intensely. This is probably because a person who feels they are not in control also feels vulnerable to attack and starts to imagine being hurt and so feels some psychologically created pain. When real pain appears they simply feel worse."

This statement I find very true.. the more I feel in control of a situation.. the safer I feel and the less vulnerable I feel.. lets face it.. most of want some kind of control in our lives.. without it we'll surely have chaos to some level!