Sad day in cyberspace..

Although I've been blogging for a few years, I haven't blogged as much as I have until this year.. maybe  it's just that I didn't have much to say until now.. maybe it's just that I needed a therapeutic outlet to put my thoughts and feelings since I have a hard time talking about them.. whatever the reason.. here I am.

I rarely read others blogs unless they are my personal friends, however, a few months back I started to follow Storing up Treasures.. Courtney is the author and she is so inspirational.. when I wake  up and before I do anything else, I check to see if she's posted anything new.. I look forward to reading what she has to say and admiring the photo's she often posts (she's a beautiful photographer).

Courtney is a mother to 11 amazing kiddos.. she's married to her best friend.. she's an inspirational writer.. she's honest and so real! She talks about her personal struggles with depression, her journey and blessings with adoption, the challenges of raising kids with RAD (reactive attachment disorder), her faith, relationships and everything in between.

I'm not married and I don't have kids but I can still relate on so many different levels. I've learned so much about myself thru her blog (and have written about much of it). One of the things I have struggled with for years is really listening to God.. I am not someone who can sit in silence, meditate and have a two way conversation with God.. it doesn't work like that.. maybe I'm just not a good enough Christian, I don't know.. but I do hear him via different avenues and one of those avenues has been, Courtney's blog.

The other day I didn't get a chance to read her post before I went to work so as soon as a I had a minute, I signed on.. always in anticipation to hear what shenanigans Courtney and the kids had been up to.. and I was not only shocked but at a loss of words to find out, she had written her last post.. she was shutting down her blog.

Now, we have e-mailed a few times but other than that, other than me commenting on her blog and her commenting on mine.. we had no relationship.. no lasting friendship.. yet.. I was devastated. I wrote her an e-mail telling her how sad I was and probably sounding like some freaky stalker! But it truly does feel like I'm losing a friend.. someone who I could count on everyday to make me think, laugh, cry and generally be inspired by. Even her photography inspired me to do better.. as a matter of fact, it was because of her I bought my most recent lens (which arrived in the mail today).

Not having Courtney's blog to visit will be a whole that won't soon be filled but but whatever her reason for shutting it down was, I know it was important to her. Many blessings Courtney and all the best in where ever God leads you!!

Don't give up..

After my mom passed away I went to a really dark place. A place where no light could get in. A place that no matter how hard people tried to break in the windows, to bring in some light, to bring in some air... I would board the windows up tight. I didn't want to be happy.

I felt so alone.

It wasn't like I was the only one to lose a mother, my sisters had too.. but i convinced myself that because they all had families and I didn't, no one could understand how I felt. Obviously I was wrong but I couldn't see that at the time.

A friend gave me the Josh Groban CD and told me to listen to this song. It didn't change how I was feeling at the time but it gives me so much comfort now. I hate to admit it, but there are times when I go to that dark place, even today (yes, I still have my moments), but I can listen to this song and know I'm not alone.

Don't give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

You are loved

Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard

You are loved

When the Rain Comes

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace, to run and hide

Escape the pain..

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain but I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done

When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone

So Rest awhile, it'll be alright

No one loves you like I do!

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain but I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes...
I will hold you!

I really love that song..

Sometimes it feels like the rain never stops.

Sometimes it feels like no one really gives a damn.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

Today, I heard someone say that in order to feel someone cares you need to let go.. you need to trust and with that I would only guess, someone would need to take a leap.. a leap of faith. Fear can hold so many back from trying news things, going to new places and allowing others to love them.

So many can put on a tough act.. a mask if you will.. to hide what is really going on inside. So many feel they are screwed up.. beyond repair.. undeserving.. and fear that if they let their guard down they will be criticized or judged.. for just being themselves. The one who won't ever judge is God.. and that's great.. and no offence to Him or disrespect.. ya can't play cards with God.. you can't share a physical relationship with Him.. He isn't going to sit beside you on the couch and watch a movie with you.. and no matter how much faith one person has.. relationships with human beings are just as important.. but they won't happen..  not on a deeper level.. if you don't take the risk..

There is one person I desperately want to open up to.. I want to get rid of the negative thoughts swirling inside my head.. making me doubt that what I have to say is important.. making me feel like I'll get hurt if I say anything. I think we all make mountains out of mole hills and dammit.. I need an exterminator!!!

Control

CON·TROL noun /kənˈtrōl/ 
controls, plural

1.The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events
- the whole operation is under the control of a production manager
- the situation was slipping out of her control
                                                                                             www.dictionary.com

I need to be in control of certain things.. I can let lots go.. but when it directly involves me, I must control how the outcome will/should/could be. Does it work ALL the time? NO! And I always end up feeling disappointed and beating myself up afterwards.

I tried to make a list of things I can just let go of.. and I could only come up with one thing.. not a good sign for me!! I did come up with a list of things I tend to... well... control..

• I need to be the person driving
• It's hard for me to trust people
• I make lists for lots of things
• I prefer to do everything myself (or don't know how to ask for help.. not sure which is stronger)
• When on vacation I tend to make a list of things to do rather than just "winging" it..
• I plan.. I plan.. I plan.. I plan...
• I go over conversations in my head of how people will react and then replay those with different possible responses.
• I always organize my clothes the night before I'm going to wear them..
• I'm stubborn. It's not that I can't be flexible for other people but when I get an idea in my head I can't stop and I keep trying to pursue it... and if I'm really passionate about something.. I will try to get people to see my point of view or else they need to give me a real good twist in order for me to alter my idea.

The most disappointing thing about needing control.. is losing it.. which happened to me recently. I have known for a while that I would need another surgery and I was told I would only be in the hospital for a week and then I could go home to recover. I had made plans of how I could get my groceries, do my housework, walk the dog and see people. I planned how long I would be off work for, when I would go back to work and how I would make it to my sisters for Christmas.

Everything changed when the doctor told me that I couldn't go home to recover and would need to "go somewhere".. possibly somewhere I am not familiar with. I don't want to be anywhere other than my own home.. in my own bed.. with my own pillow and my dog helping me to recover. I won't be back to work when I had planned and chances are... I'll be missing yet another Christmas.

Since my mom passed away 4 years ago.. I've had 1 Christmas out of the hospital.. it SUCKS!! I'm not taking it well and I don't know what to do about it. I guess most would say "let it go" and although I'm not talking about it a lot.. I think about it constantly!

Never mind the surgery being complicated enough.. now I have to put up with crappy food, nurses, more doctors, needles and other patients and depending where they stick me.. little or no visitors... AGAIN!!

What I do know for sure is I am planning on this being my LAST surgery!

"People who have a higher sense of control tend to feel pain less intensely. This is probably because a person who feels they are not in control also feels vulnerable to attack and starts to imagine being hurt and so feels some psychologically created pain. When real pain appears they simply feel worse."

This statement I find very true.. the more I feel in control of a situation.. the safer I feel and the less vulnerable I feel.. lets face it.. most of want some kind of control in our lives.. without it we'll surely have chaos to some level!

Imagine

I've known her for eleven years. She's the first and last kid I truly loved and would have adopted. Her behaviors have frustrated me, worried me and at times made me question "what the hell was I doing?" She has amazed me and awed me with her strength and determination. I try not to, but I tend to hold every other kid in comparison to her.

She was only fifteen years old when she gave birth to her first child. And at fifteen years old she wanted to move out of her foster home and do it all herself. Of course I wouldn't let her but just one year later, she wore me down. Was it the right thing to? Was I setting her up for failure? How was she to cope being a single parent with no adult role model living with her? God knows she had no example of what a loving, nurturing, responsible parent was like.

But there was something about her.

I saw a bit of me in her.

She graduated from high school a year early. She went on to have three more births. Sadly her first daughter was taken too early. We mourned together.

That's when things changed for me.

It was too hard. Loving a child who wasn't mine. To see her heartache and knowing there was nothing I could do to change it.

But she survived.

She has grown into the most beautiful woman. The most amazing mother. Still.. She faces more heartache. It is not the life of her child but her own that she must fight for. The survival rate is high with modern medicine.

But it's the fear of the unknown.

How much more does she have to go thru? Why can't she be given the break she is so deserving of? Her life hasn't been easy. And now there is another mountain she must climb.

It makes me so angry.

As I write this and try to make sense of something that makes no sense at all I'm listening to a song called "I can only Imagine"... That's all any of us can do. Is imagine what the future holds. Speculate. Hope. But not one of us can control tomorrow. We can plan and then in a flash everything can change.

One day at a time. When that's too much, one hour at a time. And when that's too much... One minute at a time. And if that doesn't work, imagine the good. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine a life with no loss, no pain, no heartache.. One day, we will all have that.

Ahoy Mateys!

Well pirate Raeya celebrated her 3rd birthday! The whole day was perfect! Tor did an amazing job with the pirate ship cake and all the wonderful decorations!! Check out those incredible party invitations!! And Raeya's Nana made her pirate costume and sent it.. all the way from Nova Scotia!! That must be where the real pirates are from! lol

Rob, Tor, Lindsey and Jesse were all in fine form as head pirates but the show stoppers were Raeya, Kelly, Jarrod, and Jen! They looked so AWESOME!! Kelly and Jarrod both wore the shirts that my mom made for them when they graduated.. they make great pirate shirts.. not sure the look they were going for in grad.. however, it was almost like Mom was part of Raeya's birthday... Oh how she would have LOVED Raeya.. and if Rob and Tor think I spoil her.. Mom would have spoiled her ten fold!!! Sigh...

What do Pirates eat?? Cucumbers, of course!!

Here comes the Pirates!



And even a Pirate needs a hand, once in a while! And then some fun sliding down the slide! Weeeee!

Is it time for presents.. NOW?!

A Pirate puppet!!

Even Pirates need to take time for a swing!

Kelly.. you are wearing make-up to go along with the costume... right?!?



Charlotte is getting so BIG!!

The cutest Pirate in town!

All in all.. everyone had a swash buckling good time at the Pirate party!

Happy 3rd Birthday Raeya! I love you to the moon!



Panda Time part 2!!

The reason I go to Victoria is to see my BFF, sisters, nephews and nieces!!! This trip included them all! How lucky was I?! Panda is getting sooo BIG and so FUNNY! I seriously could do without her glass piercing shrieks and tried incessantly to show her how to do a quiet low voice, which Jen said sounded evil and she would prefer the shrieks... me however.. not so much.. but, I have to admit.. she is HILARIOUS when she's doing it!

What I think is so cool is that she totally responds when I call her Panda.. she even started imitating me! I hope she will always let me call her Panda.. it's our special nick name and strangely enough.. I've never had one for the boys.. not one that I used all the time anyway.

So, besides having a BBQ, we went for a lovely walk/bike ride up the street.. and she was really showing her independence!!

So when we got home and were waiting for Mom and Dad to get dinner ready, we took in a little Elmo.. and then Panda decided it would be better to watch Elmo on the coffee table.. this is her reaction to me asking her not to climb on the table.. clearly she runs the show.. and I totally don't mind!!!

Seriously.. could this kid get any cuter or sweeter?? I think NOT! Oh Panda bear.. stay as innocent as you are today.. I hope the worse thing you ever have to deal with is that terrible face washing!! I love you to the moon!