Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trying Times

I'm sure everyone has experienced them.. those times in your life when everything feels stale. Where there doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to, when you wonder why you were put on this earth. I envy you if you haven't because I sure am experiencing those times. I know I don't have it as bad as some people do. Things can always be worse.

I'm trying to deal with past issues that are interfering in my present life. It's crazy though, how do you deal with something? Seriously.. I've always been someone that tries not to live in the past, hell, I can't change what's happened so why dwell on it. But how am I supposed to put it to rest? It's true, I am a Christian so why can't I just lay my issues at the feet of Jesus and let Him deal with it? Because it isn't that easy.

I am the first to admit when I've done something wrong. I'm the first to admit my faults. I am a control freak. What drives me nuts, is I can't control this. I think I should just be able to do what I want, accomplish my goals and just live my life with no obstacles. Unfortunately, that isn't how my life works. I come across obstacles everyday.. most of which I've put up myself. I'm great at building walls, I'm not so good at tearing them down. I guess I'm more analytical than feeling.. I always thought I was more feeling and maybe I was at some point but now I try to rationalize things instead of just feeling them. It's almost like I've forgotten how to truly feel. I hear horrible things in my job all the time and instead of feeling how terrible those things are, I put them in a safe place. That's good to a degree.. I couldn't do my job very well if I was emotional all the time. The problem is, when things happen in my life, I have a hard time feeling the feelings I should. Makes it pretty difficult to have relationships with any substance.

So yes, these are trying times. I just hope and pray, they get better.

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