Friday, April 29, 2011

Message from God...

I've been trying to do a lot of soul searching.. trying to figure things out.. trying to understand why certain things happen and why other things don't happen. I've had no answers. I'm not some freaky Christian who goes around blessing people or telling people to look to God for answers or anything like that. I have my beliefs and I choose to keep most of them private.. partly because I'm embarrassed and partly because I don't want people to think I'm weird. I really only have one person I feel comfortable talking to about faith but I fear that sometimes I frustrate her because I have so many questions. I always have. I'm not someone who can just take one person's word as "the gospel". Everyone has a different interpretation of the bible. Everyone has a different interpretation of what a "Christian" is supposed to act like, talk like, think like.. and I don't fit into anyone's "ideal" of a Christian.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that there is no such thing as coincidence. I believe God steers our path, no matter if we like where we are headed or not.. that said, I don't believe God intends for people to do bad things to others or ourselves. He did give us free will after all.. something I struggle with everyday. I don't understand why He doesn't protect children from abuse or why natural disasters happen. I don't understand war, murder or why brussel sprouts were ever created.

I don't believe people should hide behind God, meaning that they shouldn't use Him as their rational for the situation they created for themselves. It was not God's intention for someone to use drugs or alcohol. I believe prayer can work but that you also have to rely on the talents of man to fix what is broken. If your child is dying because they need a blood transfusion.. God isn't going to go POOF, you are healed.. he gave doctors talents to help heal the sick. Use your brain people!!

I blame God for all sorts of things. I blame him for abuse I suffered as a child. I blame Him for taking my parents away before I was ready to lose them. I blame Him for me being in a wheelchair.. but what purpose is that serving other than making me feel miserable? Nothing, that's what. I'm only human.. and I need forgiveness as much as anyone else.

There's this app that seemed to appear on my Facebook page called "Message from God".. I've been reading them for three days now.. here are the messages I've had so far:

Day one - On this day, God wants you to know

... that you are perfect as you are. God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is...
Day two - On this day, God wants you to know

... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep. You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep...
and Day three - On this day, God wants you to know

... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest...
Now these won't mean anything to anyone but me.. but each message has come exactly at the time I needed to hear them. I'm perfect as I am (really hard to believe). Have faith in God (easier said than done). I control nothing.. ew.. that one stings!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trying Times

I'm sure everyone has experienced them.. those times in your life when everything feels stale. Where there doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to, when you wonder why you were put on this earth. I envy you if you haven't because I sure am experiencing those times. I know I don't have it as bad as some people do. Things can always be worse.

I'm trying to deal with past issues that are interfering in my present life. It's crazy though, how do you deal with something? Seriously.. I've always been someone that tries not to live in the past, hell, I can't change what's happened so why dwell on it. But how am I supposed to put it to rest? It's true, I am a Christian so why can't I just lay my issues at the feet of Jesus and let Him deal with it? Because it isn't that easy.

I am the first to admit when I've done something wrong. I'm the first to admit my faults. I am a control freak. What drives me nuts, is I can't control this. I think I should just be able to do what I want, accomplish my goals and just live my life with no obstacles. Unfortunately, that isn't how my life works. I come across obstacles everyday.. most of which I've put up myself. I'm great at building walls, I'm not so good at tearing them down. I guess I'm more analytical than feeling.. I always thought I was more feeling and maybe I was at some point but now I try to rationalize things instead of just feeling them. It's almost like I've forgotten how to truly feel. I hear horrible things in my job all the time and instead of feeling how terrible those things are, I put them in a safe place. That's good to a degree.. I couldn't do my job very well if I was emotional all the time. The problem is, when things happen in my life, I have a hard time feeling the feelings I should. Makes it pretty difficult to have relationships with any substance.

So yes, these are trying times. I just hope and pray, they get better.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Easter weekend

One of my favorite things to do when I'm on the island is to hang out at my sisters house because I can be pretty much guaranteed one of the boys will stop by. This weekend all the boys were there including Geoff. And with the boys came the kids including Jen and Panda. Each of the littles are really growing into their own!

Notice the score behind the pic of Panda and Charlie? It went into overtime where we lost. But never fear, we took them in OT in game 7 thanks to Burrows! Go Canucks Go!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Last Day Of My 30's!

Someone asked me how I felt about entering my 40's tomorrow. Well let's see... I like the number 40. I like how it sounds. I love how my friends in their 40's look better than they did in their 20's and 30's. I hated my 30's. Not that it was all bad. I took my first big trip on an airplane and got to share that with my mom. I bought my first home and my first car all on my own. I also got my first dog who is my best friend these days. I have also worked my entire 30's at the same job as a social worker and I still like it. I also finally got, not just one, but two great nieces! And my best friend had a little girl who I also adore. Two of my sisters got married and I got my photography certificate.

I won't miss the later part of my 30's. They were the most life altering changes namely losing my mom and almost dying in the hospital when I had my pressure sore. I've spent too much time in the hospital for serious things. Losing my mom was by far the most difficult thing and then not dealing with it well didn't help matters. I felt very alone. My sisters and dad tried to help in their own way but they all had their own families and lives and sometimes I just felt like I was more in the way or more of an obligation. I'm sure they would all disagree but I can't help how I feel.

What am I looking forward to in my 40's? Well it's another year closer to death! Oh that's terrible, seriously it's a mystery. I know what I hope to happen. I hope to go to Vegas with my sister and if that doesn't happen (as she has people to go with) then maybe a friend. I've signed up for Sledge hockey in June so that will be fun. I hope to get more active and maybe lose some weight along the way. I'd also love to take a photography road trip down the Oregon Coast to San Diego and thru Death Valley. I would love to go horseback riding and join basketball. Perhaps i'll look at getting my Masters if i can justify it with a career change. Beyond that I'm really not sure. I just have to believe a lot of good things will happen that will make my 40's the best decade to date!

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I, like many people, have gone thru my fair share of challenges. It feels like everyone's expectation is that I have to stay strong, never quiver, stay positive and by all means never ask "why me?" I've been told, God does not give us more than we can handle. But why? Why do we have to get pushed to our breaking point so often? Is it to teach us some lesson? To make us into stronger human beings? So others can learn thru our suffering?
Not only do I live with challenges but I see other people go thru them every day. I see a loving mother who's son has a diagnosis that falls under the autism spectrum. Or what about the family who loses a family member to murder, then loses both parents during the trial. Or the parents who have to stand by while their new born baby under goes surgery to save her life.

There must be other ways we can be challenged but not have to endure so much suffering and turmoil. My patience are getting thin. It feels like when something goes right, two things go wrong. How many more challenges will there be before I can rest? Before I can truly be happy? But I can't look at it like that. I have to be strong, happy-go-lucky and not let anyone know how bad things are. No sense in crying over spilt milk after all. This to shall pass... eventually.