Just livin'

Do you know what really bugs me? What bugs me, sometimes more than almost anything else? Well let me tell you. But before I do I have go back.. back 34 years to January 15, 1977. That's the day I was shot.. and to answer your next question.. yes with a gun! DO NOT feel sorry or bad for me.. I don't. That's just how God intended my life to turn. I won't pretend that I'm okay with it.. I'm not. I'd rather be walking but that wasn't in the cards for me. Which brings me to what really bugs me. I hate it when people turn around and commend me for doing so well, considering....

People go thru crappy things all the time.. some much worse than me. We all have a choice when crappy things happen. We can cry about it or pull up our panties and carry on. Those who know me well.. I mean really well.. know that I've had my moments.. my days, weeks or months that I have been down and had my share of pity parties but in the end, I wipe myself off, suck it up and carry on. I guess I could have turned to drugs or alcohol, gone on welfare and blamed everything that went wrong on someone else. But what would that have accomplished? Maybe it's because I can't understand why people blame their problems on other people. I know people who blame everyone for everything that has gone wrong in their life without ever looking in mirror and taking responsibility as an adult. Seriously people, there comes a time when you need to stop blaming your parents for how you turned out!

I've had so many people say that they admire me because I've done so well for myself. I can't wrap my head around that statement. What else was I supposed to do? I don't have a mental handicap that prevents me from working or contributing to society. Just as anyone else who had the desire to do something, I just did it.

I wasn't brought up to feel sorry for myself. I wasn't brought up believing there would be someone who would look after me when I was older. I was brought up learning how to be self reliant. To look after myself and to have belongings I was proud to have. I have been fortunate if anything. I was fortunate to go to university and get a degree I wanted. I was fortunate to find a good job with security. I was fortunate to buy my home when the real estate market was affordable. There are lots of things I wish were different and sometimes I focus on those things.. and get down. But honestly, when I really think about it, there is nothing in this world stopping me from doing what I want except me. So, the next time you want to blame your current behaviours on past experiences ask yourself "what is stopping me from changing my current situation?" Everyone has a choice.. make the choice to do something positive... start with your attitude.

Messages from God part 2..

It's funny how you can be looking for answers to things you have never voiced.. sometimes it's not even answers I'm looking for but instead, confirmation to what I'm thinking. Some of the daily "Messages from God" posts from Facebook have spoken to me or confirmed thoughts already floating around in my head. Here are just a few:

On this day, God wants you to know

... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls...

 

I've made plans with people lately who have bailed on me.. dissapointing doesn't begin to express how I feel. As a result I have given up on making plans.. what's the point? So I sit at home, basically hiding from life. Time to get out there again!

 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that you've been talking to God too much, and not listening enough. Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you...
 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that most of your words are unnecessary. All too often you speak simply to fill the space with sound, because you feel too uncomfortable with the silence. But this silence is golden. Only in silence you can hear God speak to you. Only in silence can a ...real prayer, a heart prayer be born. Next time you start chattering, stop and feel into the silence, feel its shape, its texture, and then slowly and silently say only what really has to be said.
 
Hmm.. is there a trend here? Shut up and listen.. pretty simple right? Wrong.. it's one of the hardest things to do. I don't mean just shutting my mouth but also shutting my mind.. stop talking in there as well and just be.. be present, be aware and be ready to listen.
 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that God is glad that you are You. Sure, we all have things we want to change, to improve about ourselves. But underneath the flesh and bone, you are an immortal and perfect soul. Always remember that...
 
On this day, God wants you to know

... that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes. There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are...
 
This one was probably the one that spoke the loudest to me. I am great at pointing out my faults.. first to admit when I'm wrong, first to take the brunt of any mishap. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be loved so trying to believe this statement is really hard to do. To believe that someone could look at me and not judge what I'm saying, doing, wearing, or how I'm acting is just something that is unimaginable.. but something I would love to believe!!
 
Last night I had one of my former clients call me. We discussed her current relationship with the father of her 3rd child. It's a very unhealthy relationship. One she doesn't deserve. One that she can't seem to get out of. We talked about how she needs to be happy in her life in order to project that happiness to her children. She needs to love herself in order to love others. She needs to accept her faults, forgive herself so that she can accept and forgive others. She needs to do these things in order to live a healthy life. What I was telling her, was what I need to be saying to myself. Funny how easy it is to give advice and not take it.

Message from God...

I've been trying to do a lot of soul searching.. trying to figure things out.. trying to understand why certain things happen and why other things don't happen. I've had no answers. I'm not some freaky Christian who goes around blessing people or telling people to look to God for answers or anything like that. I have my beliefs and I choose to keep most of them private.. partly because I'm embarrassed and partly because I don't want people to think I'm weird. I really only have one person I feel comfortable talking to about faith but I fear that sometimes I frustrate her because I have so many questions. I always have. I'm not someone who can just take one person's word as "the gospel". Everyone has a different interpretation of the bible. Everyone has a different interpretation of what a "Christian" is supposed to act like, talk like, think like.. and I don't fit into anyone's "ideal" of a Christian.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that there is no such thing as coincidence. I believe God steers our path, no matter if we like where we are headed or not.. that said, I don't believe God intends for people to do bad things to others or ourselves. He did give us free will after all.. something I struggle with everyday. I don't understand why He doesn't protect children from abuse or why natural disasters happen. I don't understand war, murder or why brussel sprouts were ever created.

I don't believe people should hide behind God, meaning that they shouldn't use Him as their rational for the situation they created for themselves. It was not God's intention for someone to use drugs or alcohol. I believe prayer can work but that you also have to rely on the talents of man to fix what is broken. If your child is dying because they need a blood transfusion.. God isn't going to go POOF, you are healed.. he gave doctors talents to help heal the sick. Use your brain people!!

I blame God for all sorts of things. I blame him for abuse I suffered as a child. I blame Him for taking my parents away before I was ready to lose them. I blame Him for me being in a wheelchair.. but what purpose is that serving other than making me feel miserable? Nothing, that's what. I'm only human.. and I need forgiveness as much as anyone else.

There's this app that seemed to appear on my Facebook page called "Message from God".. I've been reading them for three days now.. here are the messages I've had so far:

Day one - On this day, God wants you to know


... that you are perfect as you are. God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is...
 
Day two - On this day, God wants you to know


... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep. You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep...
 
and Day three - On this day, God wants you to know


... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest...
 
Now these won't mean anything to anyone but me.. but each message has come exactly at the time I needed to hear them. I'm perfect as I am (really hard to believe). Have faith in God (easier said than done). I control nothing.. ew.. that one stings!!