Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Messages from God part 2..

It's funny how you can be looking for answers to things you have never voiced.. sometimes it's not even answers I'm looking for but instead, confirmation to what I'm thinking. Some of the daily "Messages from God" posts from Facebook have spoken to me or confirmed thoughts already floating around in my head. Here are just a few:

On this day, God wants you to know

... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls...
I've made plans with people lately who have bailed on me.. dissapointing doesn't begin to express how I feel. As a result I have given up on making plans.. what's the point? So I sit at home, basically hiding from life. Time to get out there again!
On this day, God wants you to know

... that you've been talking to God too much, and not listening enough. Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you...
On this day, God wants you to know

... that most of your words are unnecessary. All too often you speak simply to fill the space with sound, because you feel too uncomfortable with the silence. But this silence is golden. Only in silence you can hear God speak to you. Only in silence can a ...real prayer, a heart prayer be born. Next time you start chattering, stop and feel into the silence, feel its shape, its texture, and then slowly and silently say only what really has to be said.
Hmm.. is there a trend here? Shut up and listen.. pretty simple right? Wrong.. it's one of the hardest things to do. I don't mean just shutting my mouth but also shutting my mind.. stop talking in there as well and just be.. be present, be aware and be ready to listen.
On this day, God wants you to know

... that God is glad that you are You. Sure, we all have things we want to change, to improve about ourselves. But underneath the flesh and bone, you are an immortal and perfect soul. Always remember that...
On this day, God wants you to know

... that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes. There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are...
This one was probably the one that spoke the loudest to me. I am great at pointing out my faults.. first to admit when I'm wrong, first to take the brunt of any mishap. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to be loved so trying to believe this statement is really hard to do. To believe that someone could look at me and not judge what I'm saying, doing, wearing, or how I'm acting is just something that is unimaginable.. but something I would love to believe!!
Last night I had one of my former clients call me. We discussed her current relationship with the father of her 3rd child. It's a very unhealthy relationship. One she doesn't deserve. One that she can't seem to get out of. We talked about how she needs to be happy in her life in order to project that happiness to her children. She needs to love herself in order to love others. She needs to accept her faults, forgive herself so that she can accept and forgive others. She needs to do these things in order to live a healthy life. What I was telling her, was what I need to be saying to myself. Funny how easy it is to give advice and not take it.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Good Ol' Days

So I was having a semi lazy day.. starting flipping channels and lo and behold what to my wandering eyes see.. The Brady Bunch!! It was great! I got to watch when Jan decided to play pranks on the Brady family after she was warned not to let it get out of hand.. of course it did when Greg's science project mouse goes missing.. not the best episode but heck, it was the Brady Bunch!! Then comes Laverne and Shirley..

I never even knew there was a TV channel that showed these old programs.. well, not one that I didn't have to pay for! I checked to see what was coming on next and it was Happy Days, Dick Van Dyck Show, I Love Lucy.. all the shows I loved watching as a youngster!!

It got me reminiscing what I would do on a typical Sunday afternoon when I was young. My mom and I lived in an apartment building that had a pool so often, she, my then soon-to-be dad and I would go swimming. We would come back to our suite and watch Kung Fu or some old western and then the best part of every Sunday.. mom would make dinner and set up the TV trays and we would watch Walt Disney. It was my favorite part of the whole weekend.. probably one of my favorite childhood memory's I have.

I can still remember when I was 5 and living at, what they called back then as the Solarium, now Queen Alexandra Centre for Children, on either Friday or Saturday nights, we would assemble in the Auditorium, (the only place that had a TV), and watch The Donny and Marie Show, The Muppet's and Solid Gold.. I hated Solid Gold but since I was one of the youngest, I had no choice on what we watched. The nurses would push us into the auditorium in our beds after we had gotten into our nighties. It was all very exciting at the time.

What were some of your favorite childhood shows? Do you have any days that stood out more than others?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

A Forever Home

Pretty much all of my friends have kids and those who don't have kids, have partners.. I have my dog and parrot. Don't get me wrong.. I love them and they are great company but the balance of conversation is somewhat limited to say the least! When my mom was alive I had seriously looked into adoption. Adoption from China to be exact. I had registered with Family Services of Vancouver to get their news letter and was looking into international adoption criteria. It is not an easy process but then nothing I do is EVER easy! For some reason, I find joy in doing things the hard way. I knew I wanted a girl and I knew I would have to travel to China for approximately two weeks to pick up my "daughter". No problem, my mom would come with me.

Then my mom past away and the thought of adopting went with her. A few weeks ago my supervisor came to me and said that she thought I really need to start re-thinking the idea of giving a child "a forever home". She seems to think that it would not only be good for the child, but for me also. I don't deny that it would take the focus off me and I wouldn't have to worry about addressing any issues I'm currently trying to address. But would that be the right thing to do? Would ignoring the challenges I'm facing today be best for a child? Wouldn't it make more sense to have things in order with myself before trying to deal with a child who will be bound to have their own challenges?

It would solve a lot of things for me.. I would have someone to love. I would have someone who really needed me. I would have that challenge in my life that may just fill that void that seems to have appeared. Then I think of all the cons.. can I afford it right now? Do I really have what it takes to give a child the home they deserve? Do I have the patience and the energy? Do I have the follow thru or skills or maturity? Do I have the emotional strength to support the child's emotional needs? I have the time and the room but then what about my other plans? What about joining sports or traveling? Honestly those are little things that don't really matter but what about the big things like will my family love an adopted child as much as if the child were my own blood? Will an adoption agency even want to adopt to a single person in a wheelchair?

To adopt a child can cost in the neighborhood of $20,000 or more. I do not have that kind of money!! But then I could always adopt from MCFD and there is no cost but likelihood of having a child with special needs increases considerably. Then again, adopting a child internationally also has a high likelihood of a special needs child but in other ways. I could end up with a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). I could end up with a child with FASD (fetal alcohol syndrome disorder). I could just end up with a child I fall deeply in love with.

Its such a huge commitment. Such a huge sacrifice. But I keep going back to the questions Am I ready? Do I really want to do this? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Can I really afford this? Is it the right time? What age would fit best with my life and family? and Will I have the support I will need from my friends and family? Bottom line is nothing would happen overnight, what harm can it do to look into it?

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Mother's Day

Wow, another Mother's day is fast approaching. Another day I am reminded that I don't have you here with me. Another day I can be reminded that I am alone. It will be 4 years this June that my world changed. No longer do I have someone to call every night and watch tv on the phone with. No longer do I have someone I can argue with for the sake of arguing with and still laugh when we are done. No longer do I have my travel buddy or someone I can just pudder around town with. I miss you in so many ways mom.

Now I have no choice but to keep my memories of you vivid in my mind.

Christmas time
Chocolate peanut butter ice cream
Mincemeat tarts
Butter tarts
Fiddler on the Roof
The Beatles
Guilt trips
Filet o' Fish
San Diego
Fried egg sandwiches
Grilleed Cheese and Tomato Soup
It's a Small World
Family BBQ's
Trivial Pursuit
The Sound of Music
Your goofy smile
Laughing until I cried