Just livin'

Do you know what really bugs me? What bugs me, sometimes more than almost anything else? Well let me tell you. But before I do I have go back.. back 34 years to January 15, 1977. That's the day I was shot.. and to answer your next question.. yes with a gun! DO NOT feel sorry or bad for me.. I don't. That's just how God intended my life to turn. I won't pretend that I'm okay with it.. I'm not. I'd rather be walking but that wasn't in the cards for me. Which brings me to what really bugs me. I hate it when people turn around and commend me for doing so well, considering....

People go thru crappy things all the time.. some much worse than me. We all have a choice when crappy things happen. We can cry about it or pull up our panties and carry on. Those who know me well.. I mean really well.. know that I've had my moments.. my days, weeks or months that I have been down and had my share of pity parties but in the end, I wipe myself off, suck it up and carry on. I guess I could have turned to drugs or alcohol, gone on welfare and blamed everything that went wrong on someone else. But what would that have accomplished? Maybe it's because I can't understand why people blame their problems on other people. I know people who blame everyone for everything that has gone wrong in their life without ever looking in mirror and taking responsibility as an adult. Seriously people, there comes a time when you need to stop blaming your parents for how you turned out!

I've had so many people say that they admire me because I've done so well for myself. I can't wrap my head around that statement. What else was I supposed to do? I don't have a mental handicap that prevents me from working or contributing to society. Just as anyone else who had the desire to do something, I just did it.

I wasn't brought up to feel sorry for myself. I wasn't brought up believing there would be someone who would look after me when I was older. I was brought up learning how to be self reliant. To look after myself and to have belongings I was proud to have. I have been fortunate if anything. I was fortunate to go to university and get a degree I wanted. I was fortunate to find a good job with security. I was fortunate to buy my home when the real estate market was affordable. There are lots of things I wish were different and sometimes I focus on those things.. and get down. But honestly, when I really think about it, there is nothing in this world stopping me from doing what I want except me. So, the next time you want to blame your current behaviours on past experiences ask yourself "what is stopping me from changing my current situation?" Everyone has a choice.. make the choice to do something positive... start with your attitude.

Sledge Hockey

Well I started sledge hockey last week. A year ago or even six months ago, I never thought I would join any "wheelchair" sports team... but sometimes I even surprise myself! lol. It was a lot of fun. We first learned the rules of hockey and I was surprised to find all the rules were the same as "regular" hockey except that you also get a penalty if you t-bone someone.

We then did some drills and then had a game of scrimmage. We did the same thing today with three big differences.. 1. we played a lot longer 2. we played the length of the ice instead of width like last week and 3. I only fell over once!! Last week I fell over like 5 times.. it was pretty frustrating. I also don't have the strength to get myself up so I have to wait for someone to help me.. also frustrating. But it just takes a couple seconds and I'm back in the game again!!

There are only two more sessions and then its over until the fall/winter and I plan on joining again!! Basketball also starts in fall/winter and I hope to join that also.. seriously.. who woulda thunk it?! My mom tried to get me to join "wheelchair" sports all the time when I was younger.. I felt like she was trying to shove it down my throat, when in fact she was probably just trying to be encouraging in her own way. I'm so glad that I finally let down that wall enough to give it a try!! Who knows what I'll try next.. I just know that I don't have to feel embarrassed for trying something different.. even if people stigmatise me, as I'm sure some will as they don't know how to treat some people.. and they'll place me in that "box" that I hate so much, it's only because they are ignorant and don't see me as your average person. Instead they see me as "someone in a wheelchair". I prefer to be thought of as someone who is just vertically challenged. lol And lets face it, the people who count, and you know who you are, are the only opinions I care about!!!

The Good Ol' Days

So I was having a semi lazy day.. starting flipping channels and lo and behold what to my wandering eyes see.. The Brady Bunch!! It was great! I got to watch when Jan decided to play pranks on the Brady family after she was warned not to let it get out of hand.. of course it did when Greg's science project mouse goes missing.. not the best episode but heck, it was the Brady Bunch!! Then comes Laverne and Shirley..

I never even knew there was a TV channel that showed these old programs.. well, not one that I didn't have to pay for! I checked to see what was coming on next and it was Happy Days, Dick Van Dyck Show, I Love Lucy.. all the shows I loved watching as a youngster!!

It got me reminiscing what I would do on a typical Sunday afternoon when I was young. My mom and I lived in an apartment building that had a pool so often, she, my then soon-to-be dad and I would go swimming. We would come back to our suite and watch Kung Fu or some old western and then the best part of every Sunday.. mom would make dinner and set up the TV trays and we would watch Walt Disney. It was my favorite part of the whole weekend.. probably one of my favorite childhood memory's I have.

I can still remember when I was 5 and living at, what they called back then as the Solarium, now Queen Alexandra Centre for Children, on either Friday or Saturday nights, we would assemble in the Auditorium, (the only place that had a TV), and watch The Donny and Marie Show, The Muppet's and Solid Gold.. I hated Solid Gold but since I was one of the youngest, I had no choice on what we watched. The nurses would push us into the auditorium in our beds after we had gotten into our nighties. It was all very exciting at the time.

What were some of your favorite childhood shows? Do you have any days that stood out more than others?

Time flies when your in rehab...

It was a long five months but I'm finally home again. After having a rotator cuff repair at UBC hospital I went to GF Strong for three months. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life for the first month and a half and then, it was one of the best for the last month and a half! When I first got there I was triggered by many different things and was forced to face a few things head on, which is not something I had planned on doing. The more I tried to focus on rehabilitating my shoulder, the more distant and isolated I became. I almost missed out on some amazing new friendships.

I've always been so scared of what people think or say about me. Like it should make a difference on how I live my life. I worry that people will think I'm weird or weak or different. So what if I am? What if I do show emotion once in a while? Will the world end? Hell no! The world will continue on whether I'm in it or not. Whether someone sees me cry or wear pj's during the day. It will even continue if I give up my defences and join wheelchair sports. I have to laugh to myself because anyone who truly knows me, knows that I don't associate with people in wheelchairs let alone participate in an activity involving wheelchairs. But the desire is there to tear down that wall.. or at least open the window.

While at GF I was exposed to Basketball, handball, tennis, curling, swimming, target shooting and using a Floor Board which is the equivalent of a Wii fit board. It hasn't been easy getting involved but once I tried things, I found out I really enjoyed it.. even if I did feel stupid at times. It was the same as when I started to let my guard down and let people in. I met some amazing people with some truly amazing stories! Like the woman who lost control of her car and went down a steep embankment only to be rescued by an off-duty fireman minutes before her car blew up!! Or the man who was riding his bike to work, hit a rock, fell over his handlebars and is now a quadrapelegic but never stops working hard at his rehab. Its so true that there is always someone out there worse off than you are and that you are in control of your own destiny.

If there is one thing I became more aware of, it's that I am the only one who gets to decide if I'm happy or not and if I continue worrying what people think of me, then it will only hold me back. And if there is one thing I know for sure, its that anyone who cares about me will support me while I try out a new way of living.

See ya on the court!

Long time no blog!

Forgive me bloggers, it's been 2.5 years since my last blog... so there was a little hiccup in the blog department. My trip to California with my mom was so awesome! It was better than I could have ever imagined but sadly, two months after we got back, my mom passed away from congestive heart failure. Grief is a strange thing to go thru. I would never have thought I, of all people, would have a breakdown and end up in a mental hospital! But, alas I did. Accepting that mom was gone was too much to bare... it's still hard even now, but in a much healthier way. I was put on anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs that not only masked any grief I should have gone thru, it screwed up my memory something fierce! All I can say is thank God I have the family and friends I have, because what I put them thru is something I wouldn't wish on anybody!

The shrink had me so over-medicated and the only reason things changed is because I ended up with kidney failure and a severe pressure sore (not related to the drugs) that was almost lethal. I ended up in the hospital for 9 months!! The hospital doctors changed the doses and discontinued most of the meds I was on and thankfully after two years I'm finally back to myself.. pissyness and all! LOL

It's been a long haul in hospital.. after being so close to losing my left leg and half my pelvis, along with my life, I am close to being fully repaired again! After everything I've gone thru, you'd think going home would be the most exciting thing but let me tell you, it was one of the most scary things I had to face. Sounds ridiculous considering what had been going on in the last two years but when you are so drugged up and out of it, being clear-headed and having to face life again in a whole new context was frightening! At least when I was in my 'fog' as I will now refer to it, I didn't have to face reality.. or I did but chose not to.

But the train of life goes on and I need to make sure that I'm on the right track this time. I have so much to do and God only knows how much time to do it in... all things happen for a reason.. and I think I've found mine.

Here are a few pictures to encapsulate the last two years.... from weddings to births to rehab.. what a couple of years it's been!! LOL

Mom at Universal Studios April 07

Disneyland April07

La Jolla April 07

Wild Animal Park April07

SeaWorld April 07

(Nephew) Matthew and Mira's wedding May07

(Nephew) Rob and Tor's wedding July 07

(sister) Sandi and Roy's wedding Sept07

(Great Niece) Raeya Claire July 08

(Great nephew) Joshua November 08

(Sister) Carollyn and Mike's wedding May 09

And finally.. me, after losing OVER 60 lbs.. it took a 9 month hospital stay but there's always a silver lining somewhere!!