Tuesday, August 09, 2011


CON·TROL noun /kənˈtrōl/ 
controls, plural

1.The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events
- the whole operation is under the control of a production manager
- the situation was slipping out of her control

I need to be in control of certain things.. I can let lots go.. but when it directly involves me, I must control how the outcome will/should/could be. Does it work ALL the time? NO! And I always end up feeling disappointed and beating myself up afterwards.

I tried to make a list of things I can just let go of.. and I could only come up with one thing.. not a good sign for me!! I did come up with a list of things I tend to... well... control..

  • I need to be the person driving
  • It's hard for me to trust people
  • I make lists for lots of things
  • I prefer to do everything myself (or don't know how to ask for help.. not sure which is stronger)
  • When on vacation I tend to make a list of things to do rather than just "winging" it..
  • I plan.. I plan.. I plan.. I plan...
  • I go over conversations in my head of how people will react and then replay those with different possible responses.
  • I always organize my clothes the night before I'm going to wear them..
  • I'm stubborn. It's not that I can't be flexible for other people but when I get an idea in my head I can't stop and I keep trying to pursue it... and if I'm really passionate about something.. I will try to get people to see my point of view or else they need to give me a real good twist in order for me to alter my idea.
The most disappointing thing about needing control.. is losing it.. which happened to me recently. I have known for a while that I would need another surgery and I was told I would only be in the hospital for a week and then I could go home to recover. I had made plans of how I could get my groceries, do my housework, walk the dog and see people. I planned how long I would be off work for, when I would go back to work and how I would make it to my sisters for Christmas.

Everything changed when the doctor told me that I couldn't go home to recover and would need to "go somewhere".. possibly somewhere I am not familiar with. I don't want to be anywhere other than my own home.. in my own bed.. with my own pillow and my dog helping me to recover. I won't be back to work when I had planned and chances are... I'll be missing yet another Christmas.

Since my mom passed away 4 years ago.. I've had 1 Christmas out of the hospital.. it SUCKS!! I'm not taking it well and I don't know what to do about it. I guess most would say "let it go" and although I'm not talking about it a lot.. I think about it constantly!

Never mind the surgery being complicated enough.. now I have to put up with crappy food, nurses, more doctors, needles and other patients and depending where they stick me.. little or no visitors... AGAIN!!

What I do know for sure is I am planning on this being my LAST surgery!

This statement I find very true.. the more I feel in control of a situation.. the safer I feel and the less vulnerable I feel.. lets face it.. most of want some kind of control in our lives.. without it we'll surely have chaos to some level!

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you have to have another surgery and be in the hospital at Christmas AGAIN!! That really does suck! No other words right just sucks :(((