Time to unpack..

Wow, two entries in a row.. that's a record for me. I find that if I can put a bit of what is going on in my head, down on paper.. it frees up some room for new stuff.. if that makes any sense at all.

As I said yesterday.. I am in a period of transition and my mind is spinning about it! If you know anything about pressure sores you'll know that they can either start on the surface and get deeper or they can start deep and work themselves to the surface. The ones that start on the surface can have bandages applied to it, maybe some ointments but to get rid of it you need to relieve the pressure. For the wounds that start on the inside and work their way out, they are much more complicated and need much more attention in order for them to heal properly.

Baggage is similar to a pressure sore. You have your surface sores that you can band aid but to heal them faster is to take away the pressure.. you can normally deal with that baggage on your own or talking with a friend to help relieve the pressure. But what do you do with the baggage that has been storing up for years and is preventing new items from being experienced?

This is when you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time to sort thru the baggage. It helps to have the support of your family and friends  but sometimes it's like a messy house, where do you begin? The last thing you want is to be judged for having human feelings and emotions, especially when you aren't the kind of person to share those with other people. But in order to get rid of all that baggage, you need to unpack it, box by box and find new ways to categorize it. You may keep some of it and you may take some of it to the dump, but you can't ignore it.

One thing I see people do is unpack it and then pack it right back up and keep it. That's when you aren't just considered a messy housekeeper, you are now a hoarder and with most hoarder's, they need help to unload the boxes.

This is where my transition begins.. time to unpack some boxes!

It's not going to be easy and it won't be done overnight. That's where two words come to mind.. patience and tolerance.. not just for others but also for myself.

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves" - Dali Lama

Changing seasons..

It's coming to that time of year again when the season changes from winter to spring. Oh how I love the spring! I love how the old dead looking branches are budding with new life. I love how the wild animals are beginning to start or expand their families. And I love how the dull earth is transformed with new growth!

It's also a transition period for me personally. I read this amazing blog that my dear friend S-A sent to me this morning and I couldn't believe how much of it was like she was reading my mind!!

She talked about feeling one way one day and then feeling the total opposite the next.. to the point of sounding like a hypocrite but not meaning to. As a small example for her, she loves her home to be clean and will go weeks with being a clean freak, then all of a sudden, it's like she doesn't care.. or she'll go months eating well and then go an entire season eating only junk food.. I can totally relate!

I get BIG aspirations.. (luckily most of which I don't share with people) and then never follow thru with them. For me, it's like something holds me back and I've narrowed it down to fear.. fear of success and fear of failing. If I succeed how will others see me? If I fail, how will others see me? It's like I'm playing tug-of-war but I'm at both ends! I can apply it to the simplest of thought patterns such as "do I call so-and-so today?".. if I call will they want to hear from me or will they just tolerate my call? Foolish thinking I know.. but it stops me dead in my tracks to connect with people.

It's a funny thing, how your mind can prevent you from being who you want to be or even who you know you are. Is it possible to be completely honest with yourself or does everyone fake it from time to time?

I'm looking forward to the transformations that are coming and hope they bring insight, wisdom and peace into my heart and into my life.

Time flies when your in rehab...

It was a long five months but I'm finally home again. After having a rotator cuff repair at UBC hospital I went to GF Strong for three months. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life for the first month and a half and then, it was one of the best for the last month and a half! When I first got there I was triggered by many different things and was forced to face a few things head on, which is not something I had planned on doing. The more I tried to focus on rehabilitating my shoulder, the more distant and isolated I became. I almost missed out on some amazing new friendships.

I've always been so scared of what people think or say about me. Like it should make a difference on how I live my life. I worry that people will think I'm weird or weak or different. So what if I am? What if I do show emotion once in a while? Will the world end? Hell no! The world will continue on whether I'm in it or not. Whether someone sees me cry or wear pj's during the day. It will even continue if I give up my defences and join wheelchair sports. I have to laugh to myself because anyone who truly knows me, knows that I don't associate with people in wheelchairs let alone participate in an activity involving wheelchairs. But the desire is there to tear down that wall.. or at least open the window.

While at GF I was exposed to Basketball, handball, tennis, curling, swimming, target shooting and using a Floor Board which is the equivalent of a Wii fit board. It hasn't been easy getting involved but once I tried things, I found out I really enjoyed it.. even if I did feel stupid at times. It was the same as when I started to let my guard down and let people in. I met some amazing people with some truly amazing stories! Like the woman who lost control of her car and went down a steep embankment only to be rescued by an off-duty fireman minutes before her car blew up!! Or the man who was riding his bike to work, hit a rock, fell over his handlebars and is now a quadrapelegic but never stops working hard at his rehab. Its so true that there is always someone out there worse off than you are and that you are in control of your own destiny.

If there is one thing I became more aware of, it's that I am the only one who gets to decide if I'm happy or not and if I continue worrying what people think of me, then it will only hold me back. And if there is one thing I know for sure, its that anyone who cares about me will support me while I try out a new way of living.

See ya on the court!